Posts tagged peety goes to pittsburgh
Posts tagged peety goes to pittsburgh
Mild panic attacks about leaving. D:
Does not help that I will be in transit from roughly 7:30 AM PST to 8:40 PM EST. Ugh. Hopefully the flight is not delayed this time. I will cry. Once I’m out, I’m out, and I just want to get to Pittsburgh and curl up in bed and go to sleep. It’s going to be so terribly lonely that night. No one will be back until Sunday. Perks of being from California. Can’t drive there. Sigh.
Actually I can’t curl up and sleep no matter how much I want to. I’ll have to put up our decorations back up. And unpack. And Tejas wants to go to Taco Bell. Which will be good. I’ll be alone for less time.
First midterm in T-50 minutes. But technically T-20 because I have to leave early.
I’m so stressed out. Shit.
I have two exams (calc and chem) this week and I’ve failed the past four calc quizzes.
My confidence with calculus is at 0. No. Not even. It’s in the negatives. Negative infinite.
I have so many dreams. So, so many. I want to help the world in so many ways, but that’s not enough. Med schools want to see good grades. And if I can’t even manage that a month in, how am I going to manage that for four years? Dreaming isn’t enough. I need to show that I want those dreams. And I’m trying so, so hard. I can guarantee that I’ve worked harder than anyone in my calc class. My neighbors—hell, my whole floor—will vouch for that.
I just don’t know what to do.
I’m starting to like college. Really, really like college.
I’m mildly afraid that as soon as I grow to love it it’s going to turn on me. D:
I always look so forward to the weekend, but that’s when I feel the most lonely.
Because so many of us grew up in this bubble that shielded us from what the world really is. And yes, everyone has a bubble. But most bubbles are somewhat transparent. Ours wasn’t. At all. I moved to the other side of the country for college so I could receive the slap in the face I needed. I knew I needed one. I wanted the culture shock so badly. I hated Mission with a burning, flaming passion and it pains me to know that my poor little sister is stuck there for another two years. I would give anything to have her go to a different school. Anything. Needless to say, I received my slap in the face the first day I got here. The culture shock was incredible. I’ve been here for a month and I still get little shocks every day. And you know what, Mission kids will argue that they’re not prejudiced, but you are. You can’t help it. You are. You’ll realize it when you get out into the real world and you find yourself making assumptions and drawing conclusions and then being surprised when they’re completely wrong. You’ll be surprised that you assumed anything at all, because you really don’t realize it until you’re proven wrong. I am neither prejudiced nor racist, nor am I one to assume. But it’s a subconscious thing. I find myself expecting things when the reality is that reality isn’t what I expect at all. People here get high and drunk and cross faded every other night and still whoop my ass when it comes to school. And when I say whoop my ass, I mean whoop my ass. That was probably the biggest shock of all. I’ve never met so many people that could play hard and work harder. That always seemed like a thing everyone just said. But no. It’s what happens. Doing drugs doesn’t make you a bad person. Drinking doesn’t make you a bad person. Being a bad person makes you a bad person. Failing a quiz really isn’t the end of the world. Neither is getting a B. And the biggest lesson of all, the biggest let down of that godforsaken school was that you can help those around you. Who the fuck gives two fucks if they have a 96% and you have a 94%? They’re both A’s. How can I explain this? You need to help others if you want to get help yourself. And if you are so naive as to assume that you will never need help, I have no hope for you.
Oh, Mission. If only I knew how to explain to you that what you live is literally the farthest thing from the real world.
I miss singing so much. So, so, so much. I can’t do it here. Growing up, I got super used to practicing alone and just messing around on my own. No one ever really listened. My mom would give feedback every now and then, but barely ever. So I get ridiculously conscious when it comes to singing an unpracticed piece in front of anyone. I’m really not that big on singing practiced pieces in front of people either, really. I suppose to put it plainly, I dislike singing in front of people that aren’t my ustads. Plus the walls here are super thin so if I sang at all, I guarantee that my neighbors could hear. And no. Just no. I don’t want my roommates to hear me either. I already know one of them is going to take it as competition and start singing too. Like, I’m not trying to prove anything. I just really miss it. I think that’s why I practice sitar so often now. It’s literally the only musical outlet I have left. I’ll try to set up kirtan lessons but I’m trying to get my schedule perfectly in order first.
In the meantime, I am stuck humming to myself.
Flunked my math quiz.
Not like Mission flunked.
Merp. Welcome to college.
Entering my ninth (almost) straight hour of calculus today.
I switched into calc 2 instead of calc 3 and I have so, so much work to do. Four assignments due by Thursday, a quiz on Tuesday, and another quiz I have to make up. I hate calc. It’s all integration and it’s so hard. Jesus christ. I spent roughly two and a half hours in my neighbor’s room doing calc. He and another girl on my floor are also taking calc 2 and they are a GODSEND because I would fail miserably without them.
To finish the rest of my work I go!